You know those scary few days before you’re tasked with facing another birthday? I call them scary because those are the days you’re expected to spend time reflecting on the last year of your life and making important decisions as to where this path you’re on is actually leading. Well, at least that’s what I hear you’re supposed to do. Some of us just ignore them all together and keep hoping for the best.
Nonetheless, this week happens to be my birthday week but to be honest, I’ve been spending more time sleeping than reflecting. I mean, sure I’ve got some nice festivities planned for the big day but that’s about it. I haven’t written down any goals I want to achieve in the next year of my life or sat down to review what went wrong/right since the last time I blew into some candles and had cake smeared on my face. I’ve certainly had the time to do all that thinking…but part of me just won’t go there.
I think it’s because I already know what conclusions I would come to if I took a few days to analyze the last three hundred and sixty days or so. Yes, there would be triumphs, but there would also be times when I feel like I let myself down. There would be a few permanent fixtures who should’ve been let go ages ago. I’m talking habits, and people as well. So somehow it seems much easier to just spend more time sleeping and hoping that come the weekend, I’ll get some solid gifts.
The thing about birthdays that I think I fear the most however, is not the actual growing old part. It’s more so just continuing to get to these milestones while feeling like I haven’t been putting my time to the best possible use. I was watching a movie the other day and there was this scene that truly captivated me. It was about those few seconds that flash before your eyes before you die.
Those few moments can tell you a lot about how someone lived their life. Flashes of regret and disappointment in those seconds indicate a life lived for the future, always hoping to make plans to change certain things but never quite getting there. On the other hand, I would like my final seconds to be nothing more than a smile plastered across my face. Just a simple inhale and exhale derived from the satisfaction of knowing that I made it all count somehow.
That I chose to spend my time with people who added value to my life and not toxic leeches disguising themselves as friends (that’s a post for another day). That I gave each day a fighting chance to be a brilliant one, and that somewhere along the line I gave enough of my gifts and talents to change someone’s life for the better.
Nobody ever wants to spend time thinking about death, and well, rightfully so. But these last few days have made me realize that it’s more about life than it is about anything else. Today, this week, this year, it’s about the moments we already have before us. That’s what we need to invest in. Not anything that happened last year, or may possibly happen after a day of birthday celebrations.
This year I think I’ll just toast to that. To me, to now. To making it all count.